How to shoot a wedding without a pro photographer

Had an 'offer' to do a wedding recently for $250 in Calgary. Yeah. After I stopped laughing, and discovered this was a serious offer, I respectfully declined. It's a sad commentary on the art of photography when people shop the bargain basement to capture their pivotal, life-changing events that they will have in their possession forever.
But my friend/sister/uncle/best friend's college buddy has a digital point-and-shoot camera 'that takes good pictures.' 
Grrrr. Even the line 'camera takes good pictures' makes me cringe! Would you tell a chef of a five-star restaurant that his spoon makes good soup? Or a mechanic that his 9/16 socket did a great job? 
Yeah. Just as ridiculous. 
While it's true that technology has advanced so much that nice cameras are readily available, what about the thousands of hours spent practicing the art, mastering techniques, investing in new equipment, learning how to edit images the right way?
I found this post by PetaPixel that is a nice tongue-in-cheek homage to this issue. AND it will show you how to save money by NOT hiring a guy like me! 

Save Money - Don't Hire a Pro!

Now, having read that, I'd love to chat about how we can shoot your special day. As you can see, my budget is far from breaking the bank, and our products will let you enjoy your investment for years to come. In the post, PetaPixel referenced on-average wedding spending at $2,500. Now, that's a fairly conservative number. Over the course of even 40 years of marriage, displaying the images in your home, showing family and friends, using them in various holiday cards, Facebook images, etc. it's an investment of just over $60 per year. Roughly 17 cents each day to enjoy your images however you wish. 
Are your memories worth 17 cents a day, or would you rather save the $100 and DIY as the article says?